Papa said...

When I get advice, solicited or otherwise, I usually have to grow up into it.  At the time it often seems irrelevant or pointless and it isn't till much later I see the wisdom in what people were trying to tell me.  As I have been consumed with this job decision (keeping in mind I haven't been offered it, I'm just arrogant enough to assume I'm the best candidate) it triggered the memory of last time I had to make a decision about a job that would mean big changes.  Michele was pregnant with Molly and I had interviewed with Aquila in Canon City.  Everything went well, they offered me the job, and I accepted.  I came home to find Michele distraught and panicked about the thought of moving, even though it was really what she wanted to do.  Bewildered, I happened to run into Papa and asked him what he thought of the whole situation.  Who better to ask than Papa?  To me he was the embodiment of wisdom, the old Sage metaphorically perched upon his high mountain perceiving and understanding.  If there was anyone in the world that would know what to say, it would be him.  One's heart is "deceitfully wicked above all things" and the world offers nothing but tasty things that go down easy and rot you from the inside.  Not so with Grandpa, 90 years of experience and struggle had surely formed in him a wellspring of Godly, practical advice that would make my life easier.  I was ready...I was ready for a sure-fire, black and white answer.  No guessing, no fussing, no riddles.  Should I take the job, should I turn it down?  Do we move, do we stay?  What do I do?

I remember Grandpa's answer like it was yesterday.  It was wholly unsatisfying.  I didn't know how to respond, so I made small talk.  This was wisdom?  This was my answer?  He told me, "Well, in 40 years you'll look back and think, 'I did the right thing.'"  I was so disappointed.  Did he hear my question?  I wanted a "yes" or "no" answer.  I didn't want an answer I didn't understand.  Not only did I not understand, I felt like he had ignored me.  I was confused and borderline hurt.  I could have got an answer that didn't make sense from anywhere, and I had expected more from Papa.

Here we are nine years later.  This job decision (if it's offered, and I'm hoping they pick someone else, but feel like they'll pick me) will mean big changes.  Travel for me and more Single-Mom parenting for Michele.  At least for awhile.  I wish I could talk to Grandpa now.  I wish I could tell him I understand...that I get it now.  "Yes" and "no" don't matter, the job doesn't matter, my reservations and fears don't matter, not really.  God matters.  Papa's answer assumed an understanding and confidence in the sufficiency and Majesty of God.  The little things I spend so much time focusing on are just that, they are little things.  Whatever we do, whether we stay or go, take the job or decline the job, the divine momentum of His plan ensures that 40 years later I will look back and think, "I did the right thing."

Christmas, a Time of Peace

There will be more pictures to follow, but I thought I would show some "action" shots from the Hubbellnation Christmas.  The first picture is just fun.  He looks the part of the gun wielding maniac.  The second is precious because Molly looks so sweet, unaware she has been targeted by said maniac.

Christmas Card

During this busy time of year, it's sometimes difficult to get cards designed, printed, and mailed.  In light of this, I decided to take matters into my own hands and make an e-card.  I hope it warms your collective hearts as it does ours...

Artists

So, here are a couple of portraits that will be going on sale after making the museum rounds.  On the left is my drawing of Autumn and on the right is her drawing of me.  Critiques are welcome...

Dreams

Maybe it's my age, or this "season" of life, but whatever the reason I do not feel I'm living the American dream, which might not be so bad if I felt I was living my dream.  Or Michele's dream.  At this point, if the kids had a dream I might be up for living that.  As it stands, I guess I AM living the American dream.  I produce nothing, I'm skilled at nothing, I give myself to nothing, I feel I'm entitled to everything, and I complain.  I complain a lot.  I worry about my comfort more than I do my health.  I assume I will have nothing to leave to my children so I accept that instead of work to change it.  I replace instead of fix, buy instead of make, copy instead of create, and settle instead of improve.  I’ve bought into the popular thinking that nothing really matters.  That’s not good for me or my family, and it’s beginning to show.

The fact is, I think my little family is dying, and I don't have the know how, or more likely the courage, to do anything about it.  I have some ideas, but none are popular.  People cringe at the thought of homeschooling, usually because of the "socialization" they receive with their peers at public school.  I see the effects of that socialization, and more often than not it makes me angry.  When my kids are de-socialized during the Summer, or after a period of time where it's just us, just Hubbellnation, we start to connect.  Once school rolls around, and they get all socialized up, they change.  I'm not saying all the other kids are bad and mine are good, or they are a bad influence on my kids, I'm saying I don't think they were meant to be together in that environment in this culture.  It's a lot like the military.  When the military is doing what it's designed to do, which is fight, it works well.  When there is no battlefield and no obvious enemy, everything that should be focused downrange is now focused down the hall.  Bickering and petty feuds pop up, people don't perform well, so much is wasted.

People are the same way in school, especially when they're young.  They work better when they're doing what they're designed to do, which is work and learn.  When summer break meant kids were turned loose to help harvest and it was hard work, that was good for kids.  Now over the Summer break, for the most part, they lose most of what they might have learned the year before and grown just a bit more lazy.  Not only do teachers have to try to get back some of what was lost, they're supposed to add new things and compete with video games and movies for the children’s imagination.  Most parents, including me, have given up on the idea of preparing our children for life, and assume they'll get what they need from the State.  How did that happen?

The culture is constantly changing, but I don't feel the need to keep up.  I make Ella go to school when she's bawling, begging to stay home.  I make Molly go to school after she's come home in tears begging for us not to make her go back.  Is that wise?  I don't know what the answer is.  I do know I'm the only one happy here.  I have a good job that provides income and a challenge for me.  The kids are miserable going to school and Michele is miserable sending them.  She feels like she's forfeiting something she was meant to do...teach her children.  It’s not a blame thing either.  It’s not Michele’s fault she isn’t thriving here, it’s just how it is.  I think I'm measuring success by the world's standards.  Am I really more worried about whether or not my kids will be able to socialize at a cocktail party than I am about their emotional/physical/mental health?  So, do I keep on doing the same old thing hoping for a different outcome?  In some ways we are closer than we’ve ever been, yet at times it feels like we're at war.  We start to heal up over the weekend, then drag ourselves, wounded and bleeding into the week...and for what?  We send the kids off to school because we're "supposed" to so they can get into college and get an education.  Again, to what end?  It’s not all doom and gloom, but something has to give, so if anyone has any good ideas, I’m all ears.

A Family Affair

We're getting ready to install the new floor and the Little Ones are all gung ho to help.

Toofs

Today was Dentist Day, aka "lets spend goofy amounts of money to find out how horrible the kid's teeth are" Day.  It turned out being a more pleasant day than we expected.  Here's the damage:

Autumn - Sealant on new molar
Molly - Three cavities and one pulled molar
Ella - Enamel defect covered with filing material
Nash - One pulled front tooth

$273 in total....which is much better than we expected.