Maybe it's my age, or this "season" of life, but whatever the reason I do not feel I'm living the American dream, which might not be so bad if I felt I was living my dream. Or Michele's dream. At this point, if the kids had a dream I might be up for living that. As it stands, I guess I AM living the American dream. I produce nothing, I'm skilled at nothing, I give myself to nothing, I feel I'm entitled to everything, and I complain. I complain a lot. I worry about my comfort more than I do my health. I assume I will have nothing to leave to my children so I accept that instead of work to change it. I replace instead of fix, buy instead of make, copy instead of create, and settle instead of improve. I’ve bought into the popular thinking that nothing really matters. That’s not good for me or my family, and it’s beginning to show.
The fact is, I think my little family is dying, and I don't have the know how, or more likely the courage, to do anything about it. I have some ideas, but none are popular. People cringe at the thought of homeschooling, usually because of the "socialization" they receive with their peers at public school. I see the effects of that socialization, and more often than not it makes me angry. When my kids are de-socialized during the Summer, or after a period of time where it's just us, just Hubbellnation, we start to connect. Once school rolls around, and they get all socialized up, they change. I'm not saying all the other kids are bad and mine are good, or they are a bad influence on my kids, I'm saying I don't think they were meant to be together in that environment in this culture. It's a lot like the military. When the military is doing what it's designed to do, which is fight, it works well. When there is no battlefield and no obvious enemy, everything that should be focused downrange is now focused down the hall. Bickering and petty feuds pop up, people don't perform well, so much is wasted.
People are the same way in school, especially when they're young. They work better when they're doing what they're designed to do, which is work and learn. When summer break meant kids were turned loose to help harvest and it was hard work, that was good for kids. Now over the Summer break, for the most part, they lose most of what they might have learned the year before and grown just a bit more lazy. Not only do teachers have to try to get back some of what was lost, they're supposed to add new things and compete with video games and movies for the children’s imagination. Most parents, including me, have given up on the idea of preparing our children for life, and assume they'll get what they need from the State. How did that happen?
The culture is constantly changing, but I don't feel the need to keep up. I make Ella go to school when she's bawling, begging to stay home. I make Molly go to school after she's come home in tears begging for us not to make her go back. Is that wise? I don't know what the answer is. I do know I'm the only one happy here. I have a good job that provides income and a challenge for me. The kids are miserable going to school and Michele is miserable sending them. She feels like she's forfeiting something she was meant to do...teach her children. It’s not a blame thing either. It’s not Michele’s fault she isn’t thriving here, it’s just how it is. I think I'm measuring success by the world's standards. Am I really more worried about whether or not my kids will be able to socialize at a cocktail party than I am about their emotional/physical/mental health? So, do I keep on doing the same old thing hoping for a different outcome? In some ways we are closer than we’ve ever been, yet at times it feels like we're at war. We start to heal up over the weekend, then drag ourselves, wounded and bleeding into the week...and for what? We send the kids off to school because we're "supposed" to so they can get into college and get an education. Again, to what end? It’s not all doom and gloom, but something has to give, so if anyone has any good ideas, I’m all ears.
No comments:
Post a Comment